"Ah-" Jon starts, because again he realizes he must have compelled Martin without meaning to. Well, maybe Martin was just too tired to care, Jon didn't rightly know because he himself was too drained to pay attention the way he should. He bites back apologies only so Martin can speak, and again it's heartbreaking in a way that leaves it hard for him to answer.

He swallows, struggles a minute before shifting so he could kneel in front of Martin. He cups Martin's face with both his hands, and yes that does hurt a bit but he doesn't really care. "Martin, I'm not a good leader, I'm not a good boss. I'm pretty sure I'm a terrible boyfriend too, and I've done more wrong by you than I care to count but I never forgot about you. You are not forgettable in any way, not to me. I know you've done well- ha, done beyond what anyone could expect of a person in this situation. I don't know how you do it. I'm sorry I don't say it enough."

He runs his good thumb over Martin's cheek, voice getting strained. "Understand, I want to protect you because you're- Martin you're all I have. I don't have any family, an ex I haven't seen in years is the closest thing I have to a friend, no real hobbies or interests outside of work, all I have my job and you. I don't want to protect you because I think you need it, I want to protect you because I'm selfish and if I lose you then- then what's the point? What do I have then? A job that's making me a monster. "