fuck elias man

[statementends]

Jon's hesitant to leave Elias' office and no, it was certainly not because he wanted to be in the man's presence anymore than necessary. The state Elias drove Martin into, ready to sacrifice himself on the chance at something changing, that haunted Jon more than he liked to admit. It felt like a barely dodged bullet, which felt like most things these days, really.

No, his hesitance was more an uncertainty of what to do now. He dropped off the radar, from Georgie and Martin, for five days and he could only imagine how they'd both react. At least he left Georgie a note when he left to stay with Martin, she had some idea, even if it was a vague one. Martin, on the other hand, he didn't contact at all.

Yes, that... was a mistake. He knew that.

It seemed like a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things- people were dead, he was turning into a monster, Basira and Daisy were now tied to it and, it turns out, Elias had a kill switch to keep them all in line. Now that he saw Tim it was pretty obvious he wasn't doing well and, if Jon was going to be honest with himself, unlikely to last if all he heard was true. 'Feed your god or it feeds on you.' Tim certainly looked... lesser.

"Jon?" Elias' tone is pointed, and Jon sighs. He doesn't bother any sort of goodbye as he goes out.

He wonders, briefly, if he could avoid Martin and just... go take this statement now. He didn't want to, not really, avoid Martin at least. He sort of wanted to just convince Martin to put off everything that needed to be said so they could go to bed and just sleep, have Martin close. Maybe take the statement first, the urge was strong.

Comments

[statementends]

Jon shifts towards his space, thankful for the contact as he carefully takes his cup. That's a question- or more a request- and he considers it solemnly as he waits for his tea to cool.

"Honestly I don't need to lie, I don't know enough to assume we're doomed. We may have a real shot at all this." He answers after a beat, and hey, it was true. Maybe they weren't destined to die horribly. He very much doubted it, it was not in his nature to be optimistic like that, but it was a fact. "One of the other domains, the Stranger, it wants to recreate the world in its image, or at least an image closer to it than us. Elias wants me to stop it. Gertrude was trying, before... whatever exactly happened there."

He glances over, not remotely hopeful looking as most would probably like when being reassuring but heck, he was trying in his own way. "I don't know what happens after that, if we succeed. Maybe... maybe it will be enough."

[corkscrewed]

"God- are you serious? Why wouldn't Elias- why does Elias think we don't need to know these things?"

And then, very, very cautiously, Martin sags a little against Jon's side. Not much, and not hard, like he's afraid Jon might break if he puts too much weight against him, but the intent is there.

"And why does it have to be you? I hate this job."

[statementends]

"I don't know. I think he may just be waiting to see what happens, if I tell you or you find out yourself. That's something he's been keen on claiming is natural for us. Observation, even if that inaction is at the price of others."

He takes a sip of his tea and yes, both the tea and Martin did make things a little better. He wishes he had a spare hand to take Martin's but he'd have to finish his tea first, huh. "I've been wondering that myself- I mean, if an archivist is supposed to be an observer why would we be the ones to take action here? And why did Gertrude want to destroy the Archives at all, did she think that would help or was she taking everyone down with her? Why did Elias pick us anyway for all this nonsense?"

[corkscrewed]

"Bad luck," Martin answers immediately, and maybe he's a little uncharacteristically dour, but it's been a stressful few days. Few weeks. Months. Years. He sighs as he continues to lean against Jon, more leeching warmth from the tea than interested in actually drinking it.

Finally, tiredly, he just says: "Please just let me help you."

[statementends]

Jon gives up on the tea, carefully placing it at the bedside stand so he can finally grasp at one of Martin's hands. If things were more normal he'd make some snide comment about luck and coincidence. Things are far from normal, so he refrains.

"I will." He promises, and does sound sincere about it. "But you have to accept there may be some things you can't help me with. That and I- Martin, I'm selfish. I can't lose you. If Daisy can't lose Basira I can't lose you. Do you understand?"

[corkscrewed]

Martin grabs onto Jon's hand with his own, but his expression is shuttered. He's doing his best to pretend that he isn't clinging desperately to the other man's fingers.

"And I can't lose you because you've got- some idea about protecting me in your head. Okay? We'll-- we'll compromise."

[statementends]

"You really do hate the idea of being protected, don't you?" Jon murmurs, and he would be bemused to some extent if everything wasn't so exhausting and the reasons for learning as much weren't so horrible. His grip is tight on Martin's hand, and he nods. "Alright... a compromise. I'll try to keep you in the loop as best I can, I won't needlessly sacrifice myself on the idea it'll keep you safe. But you can't put everything on your shoulders either. You've been carrying the entire team since I've had to flee."

[corkscrewed]

Martin has no idea if he's being compelled or if he's just too exhausted to turn his filter on. "Of course I do. Sasha was-- she was replaced, you and Tim were eaten by worms, now you're injured so badly that I'm honestly- afraid to touch you, and - everyone treats me like a child, and I'm the only one who's come out of all of this unscathed, you know? Tim only survived the first worm attack because I stashed those canisters there, and we got the worms out of you with my corkscrew, and when I kept Prentiss out, I did it without any help from anyone else." He takes a shuddering breath, but he doesn't stop. "I'm the only one who's held work together, too, Tim acts like I'm too daft to understand whatever he might be going through, Melanie hates my guts, you think I need to be protected, you and Tim both are just- disappearing on me, and you know what? It'd be easier, I think, if you- if I thought that you two even thought about me. But that's the worst part, isn't it? You were both so absorbed in your own - whatever that I didn't even occur to you. It's like everyone's forgotten all about me again, except this time I'm trapped in the Institute with Elias instead of my flat by worms."

He's a little out of breath when he finishes, and he feels-- deflated.

[statementends]

"Ah-" Jon starts, because again he realizes he must have compelled Martin without meaning to. Well, maybe Martin was just too tired to care, Jon didn't rightly know because he himself was too drained to pay attention the way he should. He bites back apologies only so Martin can speak, and again it's heartbreaking in a way that leaves it hard for him to answer.

He swallows, struggles a minute before shifting so he could kneel in front of Martin. He cups Martin's face with both his hands, and yes that does hurt a bit but he doesn't really care. "Martin, I'm not a good leader, I'm not a good boss. I'm pretty sure I'm a terrible boyfriend too, and I've done more wrong by you than I care to count but I never forgot about you. You are not forgettable in any way, not to me. I know you've done well- ha, done beyond what anyone could expect of a person in this situation. I don't know how you do it. I'm sorry I don't say it enough."

He runs his good thumb over Martin's cheek, voice getting strained. "Understand, I want to protect you because you're- Martin you're all I have. I don't have any family, an ex I haven't seen in years is the closest thing I have to a friend, no real hobbies or interests outside of work, all I have my job and you. I don't want to protect you because I think you need it, I want to protect you because I'm selfish and if I lose you then- then what's the point? What do I have then? A job that's making me a monster. "

[corkscrewed]

Martin stares at him, listening to Jon talk - his expression blank and drawn, and he sits there for a moment like that when he finishes. Silent, just for that split second, until his expression crumples in Jon's hands and he pulls back only to hastily scrub the tears from his eyes with the heel of his palm.

He starts to talk and stumbles over himself, because he feels like he should say something here, but he doesn't know what- so he just makes a strangled little noise and nods, yes, that he understands.

"I love you," he croaks, finally, and the guarded frostiness in his voice has just evaporated.

[statementends]

Jon pulls his hands away only slightly, a little lost between the blank expression and then the tears. He struggles with what to do until Martin tries to speak, and only then does he let his hands fall so he could wait, listen. He wants to reach out again but he feels Martin needs the time, and when Martin finally did form coherent words he has to swallow at a lump in his throat.

"I'm sorry, Martin, I-" He tries, voice soft and unsure because for once he was completely unguarded. It was terrifying. He reaches up with his good hand, brushing at whatever stray tears may still be there on Martin's cheek or the old trails of one. He swallows again. "I love you too. I'm sorry, I- I never wanted to hurt you."

[corkscrewed]

"Can we just go back to sleep for a little while?" He croaks a little uncertainly, even as he reaches up to gently catch Jon's good hand with his own. "I think I just really want to go back to sleep."

[statementends]

"Yes, yes we can." That was something he could enthusiastically agree with. He grasps Martin's hand back, resting his forehead against Martin's shoulder a moment. Still, there was something he didn't want to put off. "Can you give me your phone? I'm calling Elias to tell him we aren't coming in, I don't want to give him any excuses to pull anything."

[corkscrewed]

"Oh, um-" Martin releases Jon's hand, if only so he can lean forward to slid his phone from his back pocket, before he hesitates and passes it over to Jon. "Elias's number should be saved, but I could just- I can send an email for us both. If you'd prefer."

[statementends]

Jon has to break his grasp on Martin's hand to take it, though he gives a final squeeze before doing so. "I'd rather get the answer to if this will be a problem now." He pauses, the admits, "After what he pulled with you I... it bothers me, you having to deal with him at all. I'm worried about what he even wants from you, what he might try to manipulate out of you."

He was trying to be more open here at least. He sighs and shifts to call the number, unsurprised when Elias picked up quickly enough. Jon's side of the conversation was simple enough, a terse greeting, short answers and the insistence that he was owed at least one day of actual medical leave, and Martin as well. Whatever Elias said at the end of the conversation made Jon's expression darken, and when he hung up he places the phone on the bedside table.

"He'll give us the day, as far as I can tell we're not the only ones calling in." Unsurprising.

[corkscrewed]

"What else did he say?" Martin might be exhausted, but he isn't completely oblivious to the way that Jon's expression darkens- and despite himself, he's leaning forward slightly, frowning. Protective, in his own way, ready to be Upset if Elias were saying anything to bother Jon significaly. He glances at the phone, as if wanting to take it, but he knows better. It's not like the call was a text message he could just read, after all.

[statementends]

Jon's lips twist in a grimace but after a beat he answers. "He just made pointed comments about whether he thought my attachment to you was 'wise,' given the nature of my role in things. He's been keen on suggesting getting used to seeing people as things to discard once observation is complete."

He huffs, lying back and tugging Martin to follow after. "Another reason I don't like it when he even talks about you. Whatever he ultimately wants from you cannot be good."

[corkscrewed]

Martin follows after him, lying on his side and facing Jon, but there's something about his face and expression that are deeply unsettled. After a beat of silence, of settling into the blanket, he'll ask- "You really think he wants something from me? Because it's not like I've got- I'm just a guy, Jon."

[statementends]

There's a look on Jon's face that is reluctant, because he's not sure he wants to stress Martin with the many terrible possibilities. He shifts closer and ultimately decides to answer regardless. "We all may just be convenient, people who stumbled in to fill his little chessboard. It's entirely possible the assistants are..." He clearly doesn't want to say as much, mostly because Sasha still aches. "Are fodder, just... numbers for rank. It's possible every move Elias has made is deliberate, and every one of us has a role to play that he or this Eye has decided."

He shifts again, then sighs. "Honestly, I think it's very possible he has some specific plans for you regardless of all that. He nearly had you throwing yourself at him in some attempt to uproot him before, you're the only one who's made any real attempt to continue taking statements in my absence and keep the Archives somewhat in check. Even if both those things mean nothing to him, our relationship likely does. I have very little doubt you are in his sights far more than the others are, and it disturbs me."

[corkscrewed]

"Well... joke's on him, then, because I don't give a damn about whether or not he thinks our attachment is wise. I don't really think him wise, just a little clever and too smarmy about it for his own good."

He shuts his eyes for a moment, like he's ready to say something again, before he sort of just subtly groans. "God, sleep feels like such a good idea."

[statementends]

"Then sleep." Jon answers, shifting closer and getting the best grasp he could on Martin that was still comfortable. "We have an entire day to do so before obligation rears its ugly head. As entertaining as hearing you tear into Elias is he is hardly a relaxing topic."

[corkscrewed]

Martin relaxes quite a bit when Jon grabs him as well as he can. "Are you gonna sleep, too? Are you still tired? We could always go in later. After we nap."

[statementends]

"Martin." Jon murmurs, reaching up with his good hand to place it on Martin's lips. "Yes, I'm going to try and yes, frankly right now I feel like I could sleep a week given the chance." Martin's presence was already helping him relax enough more sleep seemed like a definite possibility.

"Now shh, sleep, please. Or at least rest. There are a hundred dreadful, stressful things to discuss that can damn well wait a few hours." He presses his face to Martin's collar and mumbles into it, "Lord, I sound like a layabout."

[corkscrewed]

"That's not at all what a layabout sounds like," Martin murmurs, but he's smiling when Jon presses his face into his collar. He reaches up with his own hand to gently stroke the back of his head, then the back of his neck, his touch gentle and fond. Adoring. "Just don't let me sleep all day, okay?" It's murmured, quiet.

[statementends]

Jon's answer to that is shift just enough to press a kiss into what skin he can reach at Martin's neck and collar, giving a soft 'hmph' like that showed Martin for disagreeing with his knowledge of layabout qualities. He eases into the touch and, for the first time in quite a while, finds it a little easier to just ignore everything and enjoy the peace of the moment.

"Fine, even though you could probably use it." He murmurs back, too muffled and soft to hold any of the weight he'd usually want. "Don't let me either." Which was more a 'don't leave if you do wake up before me,' which still felt hypocritical given everything.