Jon 'if a security system could have anxiety' Sims (
statementends) wrote in
bemorelovely2018-02-13 08:48 pm
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fuck elias man
Jon's hesitant to leave Elias' office and no, it was certainly not because he wanted to be in the man's presence anymore than necessary. The state Elias drove Martin into, ready to sacrifice himself on the chance at something changing, that haunted Jon more than he liked to admit. It felt like a barely dodged bullet, which felt like most things these days, really.
No, his hesitance was more an uncertainty of what to do now. He dropped off the radar, from Georgie and Martin, for five days and he could only imagine how they'd both react. At least he left Georgie a note when he left to stay with Martin, she had some idea, even if it was a vague one. Martin, on the other hand, he didn't contact at all.
Yes, that... was a mistake. He knew that.
It seemed like a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things- people were dead, he was turning into a monster, Basira and Daisy were now tied to it and, it turns out, Elias had a kill switch to keep them all in line. Now that he saw Tim it was pretty obvious he wasn't doing well and, if Jon was going to be honest with himself, unlikely to last if all he heard was true. 'Feed your god or it feeds on you.' Tim certainly looked... lesser.
"Jon?" Elias' tone is pointed, and Jon sighs. He doesn't bother any sort of goodbye as he goes out.
He wonders, briefly, if he could avoid Martin and just... go take this statement now. He didn't want to, not really, avoid Martin at least. He sort of wanted to just convince Martin to put off everything that needed to be said so they could go to bed and just sleep, have Martin close. Maybe take the statement first, the urge was strong.
No, his hesitance was more an uncertainty of what to do now. He dropped off the radar, from Georgie and Martin, for five days and he could only imagine how they'd both react. At least he left Georgie a note when he left to stay with Martin, she had some idea, even if it was a vague one. Martin, on the other hand, he didn't contact at all.
Yes, that... was a mistake. He knew that.
It seemed like a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things- people were dead, he was turning into a monster, Basira and Daisy were now tied to it and, it turns out, Elias had a kill switch to keep them all in line. Now that he saw Tim it was pretty obvious he wasn't doing well and, if Jon was going to be honest with himself, unlikely to last if all he heard was true. 'Feed your god or it feeds on you.' Tim certainly looked... lesser.
"Jon?" Elias' tone is pointed, and Jon sighs. He doesn't bother any sort of goodbye as he goes out.
He wonders, briefly, if he could avoid Martin and just... go take this statement now. He didn't want to, not really, avoid Martin at least. He sort of wanted to just convince Martin to put off everything that needed to be said so they could go to bed and just sleep, have Martin close. Maybe take the statement first, the urge was strong.
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Martin flounders and trails off.
"I need to be there. I'll be alright. Sorry to have just- gone off on you like that. You don't need this stress on top of everything else, too."
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With that out of the way he glances over again. "'Any regard for the proper way of doing things?'" He quotes, lips nearly quirking. He leaves it at that, you're welcome. "Martin, the place can handle one day alone. Besides, I'll go in and make sure things are as they should be. You've been handling that long enough."
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He drags himself out of bed and heads to the kitchen, door open behind him so Jon can hear him as he talks. He's putting a kettle on for tea. "I'm not letting you go in without me."
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Just saying it drains him, but in the end he's glad he did. At least it was a choice made entirely on his own, and for Martin's sake for once.
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He takes a long, careful breath, kettle on before he steps back into the bedroom. He approaches Jon, then, gently grabbing the hem of his shirt. Touching him, because he feels like it's important to try to close some of the distance between them.
"You don't have to protect me. Alright?"
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He was hoping Elias wouldn't send him in the direction of certain death just yet, but given Elias he wasn't really holding his breath. "I need to go in because that's the Archivist does, yes? And you need to go in because you're the only one of the lot trying to keep everything together. So yes, Martin, I did say that, but it isn't what you or I need. It's what it needs."
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Martin's voice is smaller, his fingers flexing slightly in the fabric of Jon's shirt, but he doesn't release it entirely. He does drop his eyes, though, and part of him just sounds- defeated.
"Tell me what it is I need." He's being sincere.
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"I don't know. I wish I did." He admits and tries to swallow his own defeat. "Maybe taking the day off is it, maybe it will make things worse. More than likely it won't matter at all."
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And then he's gone, much more motivated now than when he thought he was going to work.
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Maybe a dog or something wouldn't be so bad, really- not that he was admitting that to Martin anytime soon.
He also found, or hoped, that Martin got something out of caring for people the way he did. Maybe it was some level of control he didn't have for so long, or maybe it was just natural. He wanted to ask one day but now that seemed rather underhanded, at least until he got this compulsion nonsense under control. If he did.
He considers getting up to try and find Martin's cellphone, give Elias call and say they weren't coming in and Elias owed him that much. It would probably look strange to the others but Jon was far beyond the point of caring if they knew about him and Martin. He was more concerned with several other things they'd have to learn soon enough.
Jon doesn't move though, because he felt he owed Martin to be exactly where he was supposed to be when he got back, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to focus on any nonsense other than where he probably should be right now.
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"Tell me we've got a shot," he says quietly, studying his lap and the contents of his own cup. "I don't care if you believe it or not. Lie to me if you have to. Just- tell me we've all got a shot of making it out of here alive. I just - I just want to hear it from someone other than myself."
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"Honestly I don't need to lie, I don't know enough to assume we're doomed. We may have a real shot at all this." He answers after a beat, and hey, it was true. Maybe they weren't destined to die horribly. He very much doubted it, it was not in his nature to be optimistic like that, but it was a fact. "One of the other domains, the Stranger, it wants to recreate the world in its image, or at least an image closer to it than us. Elias wants me to stop it. Gertrude was trying, before... whatever exactly happened there."
He glances over, not remotely hopeful looking as most would probably like when being reassuring but heck, he was trying in his own way. "I don't know what happens after that, if we succeed. Maybe... maybe it will be enough."
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And then, very, very cautiously, Martin sags a little against Jon's side. Not much, and not hard, like he's afraid Jon might break if he puts too much weight against him, but the intent is there.
"And why does it have to be you? I hate this job."
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He takes a sip of his tea and yes, both the tea and Martin did make things a little better. He wishes he had a spare hand to take Martin's but he'd have to finish his tea first, huh. "I've been wondering that myself- I mean, if an archivist is supposed to be an observer why would we be the ones to take action here? And why did Gertrude want to destroy the Archives at all, did she think that would help or was she taking everyone down with her? Why did Elias pick us anyway for all this nonsense?"
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Finally, tiredly, he just says: "Please just let me help you."
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"I will." He promises, and does sound sincere about it. "But you have to accept there may be some things you can't help me with. That and I- Martin, I'm selfish. I can't lose you. If Daisy can't lose Basira I can't lose you. Do you understand?"
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"And I can't lose you because you've got- some idea about protecting me in your head. Okay? We'll-- we'll compromise."
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He's a little out of breath when he finishes, and he feels-- deflated.
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He swallows, struggles a minute before shifting so he could kneel in front of Martin. He cups Martin's face with both his hands, and yes that does hurt a bit but he doesn't really care. "Martin, I'm not a good leader, I'm not a good boss. I'm pretty sure I'm a terrible boyfriend too, and I've done more wrong by you than I care to count but I never forgot about you. You are not forgettable in any way, not to me. I know you've done well- ha, done beyond what anyone could expect of a person in this situation. I don't know how you do it. I'm sorry I don't say it enough."
He runs his good thumb over Martin's cheek, voice getting strained. "Understand, I want to protect you because you're- Martin you're all I have. I don't have any family, an ex I haven't seen in years is the closest thing I have to a friend, no real hobbies or interests outside of work, all I have my job and you. I don't want to protect you because I think you need it, I want to protect you because I'm selfish and if I lose you then- then what's the point? What do I have then? A job that's making me a monster. "
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He starts to talk and stumbles over himself, because he feels like he should say something here, but he doesn't know what- so he just makes a strangled little noise and nods, yes, that he understands.
"I love you," he croaks, finally, and the guarded frostiness in his voice has just evaporated.
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"I'm sorry, Martin, I-" He tries, voice soft and unsure because for once he was completely unguarded. It was terrifying. He reaches up with his good hand, brushing at whatever stray tears may still be there on Martin's cheek or the old trails of one. He swallows again. "I love you too. I'm sorry, I- I never wanted to hurt you."
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