fuck elias man

[statementends]

Jon's hesitant to leave Elias' office and no, it was certainly not because he wanted to be in the man's presence anymore than necessary. The state Elias drove Martin into, ready to sacrifice himself on the chance at something changing, that haunted Jon more than he liked to admit. It felt like a barely dodged bullet, which felt like most things these days, really.

No, his hesitance was more an uncertainty of what to do now. He dropped off the radar, from Georgie and Martin, for five days and he could only imagine how they'd both react. At least he left Georgie a note when he left to stay with Martin, she had some idea, even if it was a vague one. Martin, on the other hand, he didn't contact at all.

Yes, that... was a mistake. He knew that.

It seemed like a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things- people were dead, he was turning into a monster, Basira and Daisy were now tied to it and, it turns out, Elias had a kill switch to keep them all in line. Now that he saw Tim it was pretty obvious he wasn't doing well and, if Jon was going to be honest with himself, unlikely to last if all he heard was true. 'Feed your god or it feeds on you.' Tim certainly looked... lesser.

"Jon?" Elias' tone is pointed, and Jon sighs. He doesn't bother any sort of goodbye as he goes out.

He wonders, briefly, if he could avoid Martin and just... go take this statement now. He didn't want to, not really, avoid Martin at least. He sort of wanted to just convince Martin to put off everything that needed to be said so they could go to bed and just sleep, have Martin close. Maybe take the statement first, the urge was strong.

Comments

[corkscrewed]

The look that Martin shoots him is baffled and possibly a little offended. "What? No, I'm not alright. Of course I'm not alright." He sits up, taking in a breath that is honestly a little shuddery. "You left me, Jon. You left and I - I thought you were gone. That you were for real gone. Because why else would you leave without a note, what could make you just- disappear for days. Where would you go."

He scrubs at his eye with the heel of his hand, his throat thick.

"Or I thought- maybe someone had captured you. Maybe you were being tortured for information, and here I was, having a cheese sandwich for lunch and pretending like things were fine, because- because I didn't know what else to do. How else to be. So no, Jon, I'm not okay, it's going to take me a while to be okay again, if that's- okay with you."

He hates this, the bitterness, the upset, wishes that he could just stow them all away and just relish in appreciation of the fact that Jon was back. Injured, yes, but not dead.

[statementends]

Yes, stupid question- and of course he realizes with a wince it was a question, meaning he may have forced it out of Martin. Wonderful, just what Martin needed right now. He keeps his mouth shut, he wants nothing more than to reach out to Martin but the flinching back of last night stays in his mind and he refrains.

The absolute worst part was he wasn't sure he could say it'd never happen again. He nods, hand dropping to the sheets. "What can I- ugh, I want to know if there's anything I can do. For you. You don't have to go in today, after everything Elias owes that much.

[corkscrewed]

"I can't just stay home," Martin says miserably, and it doesn't even occur to him that the answer may have been compelled out of him. "Melanie does have- any regard for the proper way of doing things-" He literally cannot believe he's saying that, "and Tim's still-"

Martin flounders and trails off.

"I need to be there. I'll be alright. Sorry to have just- gone off on you like that. You don't need this stress on top of everything else, too."

[statementends]

"Don't be sorry, I likely compelled you without meaning to. If anything I should apologize." Jon waves a hand with a sigh. "And I'd rather you did, I deserve it. I might be an ass but I'm not delusional about it."

With that out of the way he glances over again. "'Any regard for the proper way of doing things?'" He quotes, lips nearly quirking. He leaves it at that, you're welcome. "Martin, the place can handle one day alone. Besides, I'll go in and make sure things are as they should be. You've been handling that long enough."

[corkscrewed]

Martin doesn't seem to catch the fact that Jon is amused- if anything, it just makes him breathe a long sigh. "No, she doesn't really know where things go or what the proper- channels are and she doesn't really seem to want to learn..."

He drags himself out of bed and heads to the kitchen, door open behind him so Jon can hear him as he talks. He's putting a kettle on for tea. "I'm not letting you go in without me."

[statementends]

Jon stays quiet for a long few moments, closing his eyes and feeling all the various aches and strains and general tension that refused to go away. "Then let's both stay home." He finally says, unsure if Martin can even hear him. He feels... weird? For saying it. Wrong in a way. He can't tell if it's years of never taking days off if he could help it or some sort of pull to the Archives he's been separated from for too long.

Just saying it drains him, but in the end he's glad he did. At least it was a choice made entirely on his own, and for Martin's sake for once.

[corkscrewed]

"You just said that you have to go in today. Don't..."

He takes a long, careful breath, kettle on before he steps back into the bedroom. He approaches Jon, then, gently grabbing the hem of his shirt. Touching him, because he feels like it's important to try to close some of the distance between them.

"You don't have to protect me. Alright?"

[statementends]

"It's not... not protection. I want to do right by you for damn once." Jon murmurs, hand clenching the bed sheets because he's pretty sure he'd latch on to Martin if he didn't. "When we go back in it will all be the same nonsense, those damnable statements and Elias' blackmail. I'll have to go try and track down Breekon & Hope and pray they'll be less intense than the others I've met so far. I sincerely doubt it, given who they likely serve."

He was hoping Elias wouldn't send him in the direction of certain death just yet, but given Elias he wasn't really holding his breath. "I need to go in because that's the Archivist does, yes? And you need to go in because you're the only one of the lot trying to keep everything together. So yes, Martin, I did say that, but it isn't what you or I need. It's what it needs."

[corkscrewed]

"Then tell me, Jon."

Martin's voice is smaller, his fingers flexing slightly in the fabric of Jon's shirt, but he doesn't release it entirely. He does drop his eyes, though, and part of him just sounds- defeated.

"Tell me what it is I need." He's being sincere.

[statementends]

That breaks Jon's heart a bit, and he's not even entirely sure why. Maybe the tone, or maybe why was obvious and he was just too tired in a way a night of sleep wasn't going to fix. He hesitates a moment before placing a hand on Martin's wrist.

"I don't know. I wish I did." He admits and tries to swallow his own defeat. "Maybe taking the day off is it, maybe it will make things worse. More than likely it won't matter at all."

[corkscrewed]

"You'll actually stay here with me if you do?" Martin hates how uncertain his own voice is, hates at this point how desperately he still seeks validation from Jon. "Because if you're just going to sneak off and go in the second I fall asleep, I'd just-rather be there with you in the first place."

[statementends]

"No, I'll stay." Jon answers, sincere in this. After a beat he chuckles, though it's strained and hardly pleasant. "Honestly Martin? I want nothing more right now than some painkillers, a cup of tea and lie right here, with you, and just... just stop, for a moment. That's not unreasonable, is it?"

[corkscrewed]

Martin leans in to press a kiss against Jon's brow, lingering there for a long, tired moment. "I'll get you the painkillers. Kettle's already on, so tea'll just be a minute. Lie back down, would you?"

And then he's gone, much more motivated now than when he thought he was going to work.

[statementends]

"... alright." Jon answers, watching him go before doing just as Martin said. Part of him wanted to argue, whether it be that he didn't need the sort of care Martin gave or perhaps didn't deserve it, not after leaving him in the dark for five days. Of course there was the part of him that drank it up, because if he was going to be honest with himself affection wasn't something he ever had in surplus. It was rather addictive, he came to find, now that he had Martin giving it so readily.

Maybe a dog or something wouldn't be so bad, really- not that he was admitting that to Martin anytime soon.

He also found, or hoped, that Martin got something out of caring for people the way he did. Maybe it was some level of control he didn't have for so long, or maybe it was just natural. He wanted to ask one day but now that seemed rather underhanded, at least until he got this compulsion nonsense under control. If he did.

He considers getting up to try and find Martin's cellphone, give Elias call and say they weren't coming in and Elias owed him that much. It would probably look strange to the others but Jon was far beyond the point of caring if they knew about him and Martin. He was more concerned with several other things they'd have to learn soon enough.

Jon doesn't move though, because he felt he owed Martin to be exactly where he was supposed to be when he got back, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to focus on any nonsense other than where he probably should be right now.

[corkscrewed]

It'll be a few minutes before Martin returns with the tea, looking just as worn down as before - but some of the hopelessness seems to have passed. Some of the weight has slid off of his shoulders, at the very least, even as he moves to sit next to Jon - right up against his side this time, hip and leg touching - before he passes him the cup of tea.

"Tell me we've got a shot," he says quietly, studying his lap and the contents of his own cup. "I don't care if you believe it or not. Lie to me if you have to. Just- tell me we've all got a shot of making it out of here alive. I just - I just want to hear it from someone other than myself."

[statementends]

Jon shifts towards his space, thankful for the contact as he carefully takes his cup. That's a question- or more a request- and he considers it solemnly as he waits for his tea to cool.

"Honestly I don't need to lie, I don't know enough to assume we're doomed. We may have a real shot at all this." He answers after a beat, and hey, it was true. Maybe they weren't destined to die horribly. He very much doubted it, it was not in his nature to be optimistic like that, but it was a fact. "One of the other domains, the Stranger, it wants to recreate the world in its image, or at least an image closer to it than us. Elias wants me to stop it. Gertrude was trying, before... whatever exactly happened there."

He glances over, not remotely hopeful looking as most would probably like when being reassuring but heck, he was trying in his own way. "I don't know what happens after that, if we succeed. Maybe... maybe it will be enough."

[corkscrewed]

"God- are you serious? Why wouldn't Elias- why does Elias think we don't need to know these things?"

And then, very, very cautiously, Martin sags a little against Jon's side. Not much, and not hard, like he's afraid Jon might break if he puts too much weight against him, but the intent is there.

"And why does it have to be you? I hate this job."

[statementends]

"I don't know. I think he may just be waiting to see what happens, if I tell you or you find out yourself. That's something he's been keen on claiming is natural for us. Observation, even if that inaction is at the price of others."

He takes a sip of his tea and yes, both the tea and Martin did make things a little better. He wishes he had a spare hand to take Martin's but he'd have to finish his tea first, huh. "I've been wondering that myself- I mean, if an archivist is supposed to be an observer why would we be the ones to take action here? And why did Gertrude want to destroy the Archives at all, did she think that would help or was she taking everyone down with her? Why did Elias pick us anyway for all this nonsense?"

[corkscrewed]

"Bad luck," Martin answers immediately, and maybe he's a little uncharacteristically dour, but it's been a stressful few days. Few weeks. Months. Years. He sighs as he continues to lean against Jon, more leeching warmth from the tea than interested in actually drinking it.

Finally, tiredly, he just says: "Please just let me help you."

[statementends]

Jon gives up on the tea, carefully placing it at the bedside stand so he can finally grasp at one of Martin's hands. If things were more normal he'd make some snide comment about luck and coincidence. Things are far from normal, so he refrains.

"I will." He promises, and does sound sincere about it. "But you have to accept there may be some things you can't help me with. That and I- Martin, I'm selfish. I can't lose you. If Daisy can't lose Basira I can't lose you. Do you understand?"

[corkscrewed]

Martin grabs onto Jon's hand with his own, but his expression is shuttered. He's doing his best to pretend that he isn't clinging desperately to the other man's fingers.

"And I can't lose you because you've got- some idea about protecting me in your head. Okay? We'll-- we'll compromise."

[statementends]

"You really do hate the idea of being protected, don't you?" Jon murmurs, and he would be bemused to some extent if everything wasn't so exhausting and the reasons for learning as much weren't so horrible. His grip is tight on Martin's hand, and he nods. "Alright... a compromise. I'll try to keep you in the loop as best I can, I won't needlessly sacrifice myself on the idea it'll keep you safe. But you can't put everything on your shoulders either. You've been carrying the entire team since I've had to flee."

[corkscrewed]

Martin has no idea if he's being compelled or if he's just too exhausted to turn his filter on. "Of course I do. Sasha was-- she was replaced, you and Tim were eaten by worms, now you're injured so badly that I'm honestly- afraid to touch you, and - everyone treats me like a child, and I'm the only one who's come out of all of this unscathed, you know? Tim only survived the first worm attack because I stashed those canisters there, and we got the worms out of you with my corkscrew, and when I kept Prentiss out, I did it without any help from anyone else." He takes a shuddering breath, but he doesn't stop. "I'm the only one who's held work together, too, Tim acts like I'm too daft to understand whatever he might be going through, Melanie hates my guts, you think I need to be protected, you and Tim both are just- disappearing on me, and you know what? It'd be easier, I think, if you- if I thought that you two even thought about me. But that's the worst part, isn't it? You were both so absorbed in your own - whatever that I didn't even occur to you. It's like everyone's forgotten all about me again, except this time I'm trapped in the Institute with Elias instead of my flat by worms."

He's a little out of breath when he finishes, and he feels-- deflated.

[statementends]

"Ah-" Jon starts, because again he realizes he must have compelled Martin without meaning to. Well, maybe Martin was just too tired to care, Jon didn't rightly know because he himself was too drained to pay attention the way he should. He bites back apologies only so Martin can speak, and again it's heartbreaking in a way that leaves it hard for him to answer.

He swallows, struggles a minute before shifting so he could kneel in front of Martin. He cups Martin's face with both his hands, and yes that does hurt a bit but he doesn't really care. "Martin, I'm not a good leader, I'm not a good boss. I'm pretty sure I'm a terrible boyfriend too, and I've done more wrong by you than I care to count but I never forgot about you. You are not forgettable in any way, not to me. I know you've done well- ha, done beyond what anyone could expect of a person in this situation. I don't know how you do it. I'm sorry I don't say it enough."

He runs his good thumb over Martin's cheek, voice getting strained. "Understand, I want to protect you because you're- Martin you're all I have. I don't have any family, an ex I haven't seen in years is the closest thing I have to a friend, no real hobbies or interests outside of work, all I have my job and you. I don't want to protect you because I think you need it, I want to protect you because I'm selfish and if I lose you then- then what's the point? What do I have then? A job that's making me a monster. "

[corkscrewed]

Martin stares at him, listening to Jon talk - his expression blank and drawn, and he sits there for a moment like that when he finishes. Silent, just for that split second, until his expression crumples in Jon's hands and he pulls back only to hastily scrub the tears from his eyes with the heel of his palm.

He starts to talk and stumbles over himself, because he feels like he should say something here, but he doesn't know what- so he just makes a strangled little noise and nods, yes, that he understands.

"I love you," he croaks, finally, and the guarded frostiness in his voice has just evaporated.