fuck elias man

[statementends]

Jon's hesitant to leave Elias' office and no, it was certainly not because he wanted to be in the man's presence anymore than necessary. The state Elias drove Martin into, ready to sacrifice himself on the chance at something changing, that haunted Jon more than he liked to admit. It felt like a barely dodged bullet, which felt like most things these days, really.

No, his hesitance was more an uncertainty of what to do now. He dropped off the radar, from Georgie and Martin, for five days and he could only imagine how they'd both react. At least he left Georgie a note when he left to stay with Martin, she had some idea, even if it was a vague one. Martin, on the other hand, he didn't contact at all.

Yes, that... was a mistake. He knew that.

It seemed like a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things- people were dead, he was turning into a monster, Basira and Daisy were now tied to it and, it turns out, Elias had a kill switch to keep them all in line. Now that he saw Tim it was pretty obvious he wasn't doing well and, if Jon was going to be honest with himself, unlikely to last if all he heard was true. 'Feed your god or it feeds on you.' Tim certainly looked... lesser.

"Jon?" Elias' tone is pointed, and Jon sighs. He doesn't bother any sort of goodbye as he goes out.

He wonders, briefly, if he could avoid Martin and just... go take this statement now. He didn't want to, not really, avoid Martin at least. He sort of wanted to just convince Martin to put off everything that needed to be said so they could go to bed and just sleep, have Martin close. Maybe take the statement first, the urge was strong.

Comments

[corkscrewed]

"You thought I was-- oh my god, Jon," Martin says, glancing up at him when Jon approaches. He puts his sandwich down then, leans forward, and honestly scowls at him. It may be the most unhappy face Martin has ever made in Jon's general direction. "No, sorry, not breaking up with you, you're not that lucky. No, you're going to get to deal with the fallout of all of your extremely terrible decisions firsthand."

He's so, so, so tired.

"Sit down and eat and then I'm going to change the bandages on your stupid hand."

[statementends]

Jon tries not to look away and manages for all of a few moments before glancing to the side. If he wasn't feeling guilty as all shit on top of at least ten other emotions he'd probably be baffled at how intense Martin could be. It was kind of impressive? He was kind of proud of him? Probably not the best time to say that, so he nods, though the relief doesn't make him look as contrite as he probably should.

"... it's not that bad." He holds said hand to his chest but he does take a seat, probably rather famished because seriously, what the fuck was he eating for five days with what he had on hand? He pulls one of the sandwiches over, annoyed at doing everything one handed neatly and eventually giving up on it not being a bit of a mess. He is tired and starving and on his last rope, enjoy mutilation sandwich.

[corkscrewed]

Martin will watch him futz with the sandwich for a while, before the shuttered part of his expression seems to break. He exhales hard and then leans in, twisting enough to just barely touch his forehead to Jon's shoulder.

"I thought you were dead," he says simply, his voice a little strangled. "I thought- I mean, I hoped you weren't, but I couldn't figure out why else- how-" Another breath. "I'm going to be cross with you for a while."

[statementends]

Jon glances over, a snap of tension quickly melting back to a much stronger guilt. Lord, he was a complete ass, wasn't he? With everything that happened, with how Martin had nearly thrown his life down against Elias, he went and did this.

He reaches over with his good hand, gently running it through Martin's hair like he expected to be pushed away. Martin would certainly have the right to. "You should be. Honestly I'm not entirely sure why you still put up with me." He tries to say it as a joke but boy, there's some truth there. "In a way I'm grateful Tim hates me as much as he does. At least it proves you aren't... aren't forced into caring." He god damn hoped at least.

[corkscrewed]

"You'd have more than two friends if people were forced into liking you, Jon," Martin grumps at him, and perhaps that's something he'd be mortified to hear himself saying in any normal situation- this isn't a normal situation. "What happened to your hand? And- did Detective Tonner really do that to your throat?"

His voice drops slightly, as if he can't believe he's having to ask that.

[statementends]

Jon considers going more into it, if Jon was some... some weird monster in the making for being archivist than what about the assistants? Did they lose humanity too? They were already stuck at the archives, and really, if it wasn't for Tim Jon would wonder if they were compelled to care about him in some way. Sasha had, she risked her life to go see Michael, and Martin obviously...

He didn't want to think about it so he doesn't, for now. They'd get to that. "Do you remember statement- nevermind, just do you remember the girl named Agnes? Her strange life and abilities with heat, the group or... entity known as the Lightless Flame?"

Shit, he was asking questions again, but at least this was just basic information. If he did compell it wasn't that bad. He pushes on. "I managed to find a member of that- that cult, I suppose. Jude Perry. To make a long, unpleasant story short her price for information I couldn't leave without was shaking her hand."

He exhales. "Fared better than the man who kissed Agnes, I suppose."

[corkscrewed]

"Thank God you didn't kiss her, then," Martin murmurs, and it's obvious that he, too, is trying for a joke, but he doesn't really have his heart in it. "But yeah, I remember her. Or the group, really." Not that Martin had been obsessively listening and re-listening to what tapes of Jon's were easily findable in the Archives or anything like that. (Spoilers: he absolutely was.)

"It's probably... way too late for any burn spray, it's just a regular injury now. Really wish I could convince you to go to the hospital, but I've got the feeling you're too stubborn for that, so..." He sighs and leans up, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. "I got salve and bandages so we can at least keep it clean while it heals."

[statementends]

Jon exhales in what might have been amusement once. A little too much of everything for that now, and he was just getting started. "Avoid them at all cost, the only reason she didn't turn me into a roast is she felt she owed Elias for killing Gertrude." He makes a face at that. "I got her statement, in the end, but I never did find out why she hated Gertrude as much as she did. It... bothers me." He'd ask Elias but he had a feeling that wouldn't take. Elias was an ass like that.

He tries not to look grateful that Martin is giving him this, though his guilt manages to give him some common sense. "If.. if it gets worse in any way I'll go, I'll trust your judgment on that. Is that fair?"

[corkscrewed]

Martin nods, inhaling through his nose as he drops his hands and looks at Jon again. Well, the promise to see the doctor if things got worse was- something. Not much, but something. "Yeah. It's something. That's good."

Not the news about Agnes, or the Lightless Flame, but Jon's concession. Martin finishes off his soup, before he stands and moves to lock the doors, to pull the curtains. There's a restlessness to him now, like he can't decide what he's supposed to be doing with himself.

"I'll- right, I should probably get the sheets in the wash. I'll do that now."

[statementends]

"Wait-" Jon reaches out but stops, face twisting because of all the things they had to talk about there was one he couldn't avoid any longer. "There's something you need to know."

He takes a moment, trying to think of how to word it. "I ah... I only got Jude's statement because I compelled her to give it to me. I had no idea I could, or what it meant but- but it's true. People are... well, forced in some way, to answer my questions. I guess that's why I got half the damn statements I did and-"

He swallows. "And I most certainly used it on you, without knowing. It's likely the reason you were so open about your CV and... lord knows what else. I- I'm sorry, Martin, I may not be the most socially experienced but even I can see how- how monstrous a thing that is to do to your significant other, it-" He trails off. Enough rambling.

[corkscrewed]

"--what? That sounds-"

Martin's face screws up slightly, like he's worried about Jon's mental health, but that's hardly the most insane thing he's heard in the past twelve hours, is it?

"Jon, there's- there is nothing I've told you that I haven't wanted to tell you. Can you- show me? Like- can you do it now?"

[statementends]

Jon makes a face, he knew this was coming but he wasn't exactly eager to do it. Maybe he held some weird, half formed hope that his assistants would be immune.

"If you're sure." He finally says before regarding Martin again more seriously. "Martin, what's something you would never tell me of your own volition?" Now that he was aware and looking for it he swore he could feel something, something a lot like static. Daisy seemed to notice and Elias- he wasn't going to dwell on Elias' reaction.

[corkscrewed]

"I used to listen to the recordings you made when I was living at the Institute. It was like you were keeping me company. Used to help me sleep at night. Dunno if I can even count how many times I fell asleep listening to your voice."

Martin just sort of blurts this out, before his eyes go wide and he claps his hand over his mouth.

"Oh, my god."

[statementends]

"You- really?" Jon blinks, and yes a sane person would be focusing on the important shit here but not Jon. "That's ah... rather sweet, I suppose. Admittedly if it was anyone else it'd be thoroughly creepy but you've always been something of a special case."

He realizes after a beat he should, you know, address the important things. He clears his throat, which hurts thanks to Alice 'Dull Knife' Tonner and he grimaces. "Sorry, but do you understand now? As far as I know any question I ever asked you after becoming Archivist forced an answer, whether you wanted to or not. Every time I asked something personal, every time I was frustrated and demanded an answer- all of it, Martin."

[corkscrewed]

"It is creepy, which is exactly why I'd never intended to tell you." Martin isn't blind to the way Jon grimaces, though, and his eyes track back to his throat- linger there. "Do you want an ice pack or something? Will that help? And - yes, Jon, I get it, but that's fine. It's not like you were doing it on purpose, were you?"

[statementends]

"Was this before the- damnit all." Not being about to ask questions is killing him. He's too nosy. Fucking Elias and the fucking Beholding. "Nevermind, just... point out if I start asking questions, I'm trying not to." But he's nosy.

The fact Martin's only reaction is 'that's fine' throws him for a bit of a loop, and he ignores the throat bit. "I wasn't but- lord, Martin, I'm not even human. I don't even know how far this goes, and frankly Elias was god damned right. What does it matter if I wasn't doing it on purpose, I wanted to know and that fed this... this thing that's binding us all. I don't know where curiosity begins and it ends, or what it means for you, what the statements are doing to you or what an assistant truly is if the head of the Institute is some all knowing beast and the archivist is just his pet monster."

He stands and starts pacing as he says all this, someone's getting worked up. Frankly he was terrified about what this meant for the assistants, it felt too late for him and Elias, whatever the hell they were now.

[corkscrewed]

"Wh- wait, what are you even going on about? Of course you're human. It's- oh my god, Jon, just because you've got some sort of- X-Men truth powers doesn't mean that you're not human."

It's becoming increasingly difficult to stay as angry at him as Martin wants to be, especially when he sees the way he's pacing. He stands up, too, but doesn't chase him down- he just watches him pace, momentarily frozen as he tries to figure out how to help from here.

"Honestly... who cares? At least right now? We're stuck in this thing. Fine, that's - none of this is worth worrying about right now. You can obsess over it after you've finished your food and gotten some sleep, alright?"

[statementends]

"Maybe now but that doesn't mean it won't get worse. One of Gertrude's tapes, in it a man came in and talked about some- some horrible creature lurking under Alexandria. Gertrude said it was probably an Archivist once, and when I asked Elias- ha, like he's ever going to give a straight answer. The one person I'd like to be able to compel."

Well he's on a roll now, a week of tension finally snapping. "I can't not worry about it, ever since Jude I just- I should have known what I was doing was stupid but the very idea of stopping seemed impossible. If I went to you, if I went to Georgie, you would stop me. That's the worst part, isn't it? I wasn't even worried about you getting involved so much as I couldn't have you stop me from learning more. Because you could, Martin, I really think you could have stopped me and somehow that's more frightening than anything. What would Elias do to you then? Or this Eye?"

[corkscrewed]

They would have killed him, most likely. Martin thinks that and knows with a cold, settled certainty that he's right. That his own life is nothing next to Jon's, at least in Elias's eyes. That he and the rest of the assistants are, quite literally, fodder.

He watches him, silent, before he just shakes his head and starts packing up the remnants of lunch.

"I'm putting these in the refrigerator for you," he says, his voice a little stiff. "For when you decide that you're hungry again. I'll put some clean towels in the shower, too, though you should probably keep your hand from getting too wet."

[statementends]

Jon watches him helplessly for a moment before trying to pull together his composure enough for a firm nod. "Right, yes. A shower would be nice."

He glances at the hall to the bathroom, then whichever way the exit was, then Martin. "I can leave, if you want. Give you some time to think."

[corkscrewed]

"No." There's a sharpness in his voice that surprises even Martin, and then it cracks just slightly- crackles with what seems like an echo of honest to god fear. "Don't leave again, Jon. Please. Not yet."

[statementends]

It does surprise Jon, though that's quickly turned to sympathy and his old pal, guilt over bad decisions. He starts to walk over, stops, then nods. "I won't. I'd rather stay."

After a few moments of waffling over it he approaches, reaching tentatively to touch Martin's jaw with his good hand. It's pretty clear he wants more, he'd love nothing more than to drag Martin unsexily to bed and just stay there for a few days. Of course he's far too gross for that, and given everything he wasn't sure how welcomed any of that would be, so he just swallows and nods again. "Shower, right."

[corkscrewed]

Martin wants more, too- wants to reach out and touch him, to confirm that he's real and that he's there and, at least for this moment- that he's okay. Instead, reflexively, he flinches very slightly under the touch, before he swallows hard and nods.

"We can talk after you do." He can bring back up all of those things Jon was talking about while he paced, but first- just a moment to clear his head. A moment of lying in his bed, in silence, staring at the wall as he waits for Jon to get out of the shower.

[statementends]

The flinch makes Jon pull his hand back as quickly as he can manage, he could say like he was burned but he was completely done with the idea of being burnt again for a while. He tries very hard not to think of the things Daisy said about his humanity, or what Elias implied, or the fact people flinched away from monsters or things that could harm them. Have harmed them, because Jon certainly has done that.

He makes a hasty retreat to the bathroom, where he does linger on bleak thoughts because that's the dour sort he is. Cleaning is a challenge, between doing it one handed and trying to be careful with the other. He tries to clean it as gently as possible and it hurts like hell so he gives up after a while. The whole thing takes much longer than he assumed, the water starting to go cold when he finally accepts it was good enough. He definitely had a bit of soap left in his hair he hastily cleans off with the sink when he realizes. He's an adult.

Clothes were the next problem. There was no way he was going back into the clothes he helped bury a body in, thank you, and he didn't have the forethought to ask Martin for some spare pajamas or something. He settles with a towel around the waist, and embraces the sense of awkwardness with the situation rather than the more unpleasant things he could focus on. When he reaches Martin's room he opens the door a crack, knocking on the doorframe.

"Could I borrow something? I don't ah... have anything clean to wear with me."

[corkscrewed]

Honestly, Martin is mostly-- out of sorts for a majority of Jon's shower. He needs to be thinking, making plans, figuring out what their next course of action is going to be, but he can't. His mind is persistently, stubbornly blank, enough so that he looks up in surprise when Jon knocks on the doorframe.

"Oh, right, sorry," he says, getting up and heading to his dresser. "I meant to- here. I've washed all the clothes you've left here, but - here, pajamas. I meant to put them out." A pause, and then- "You can just get dressed in here, you know. It's fine."